Technology-Headlines

by George Heymann

How about some cheese with your Valentine’s Day chocolate?

by Jon Pompia

jonmichael@hotmail.com

It’s Valentine’s Day. Yippee.  That means it’s time to break out the chocolate, diamonds, lobster dinners and, of course, sappy love songs.

Since I’m not remotely qualified to review a food produced from the seed of the tropical Theobroma cacao tree; an allotrope of carbon; or overpriced crustaceans, cheesiness and sap is something we are more than happy to evaluate.

So, presented for your perusal and enjoyment are a few of the most nauseatingly sappy love songs ever to disgrace the airwaves:
• “I  Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing,” Aerosmith. Written, obviously, by a woman. And covered by a band that should get back on drugs because they’ve become a musical joke.
• “Have I Told You Lately,” Van Morrison. Mr. Morrison must have been in a financial lull at the time he wrote this overtly commercial drivel. Later made famous by Mr. Sap himself, Rod Stewart.
• “Wonderful Tonight,” Eric Clapton. If I hear this at one more wedding, I’m blowing up the cake.
• “Could I Have This Dance (For the Rest of My Life),” Anne Murray.  And the punch bowl.
• “I Wanna Know What Love Is,” Foreigner. So horridly bad it nearly cancels out the greatness of “Feels Like the First Time” and “Hot Blooded.”
• “I Just Called to Say I Love You,” Stevie Wonder. So horridly banal it nearly cancels out the greatness of “I Wish” and “My Cherie Amour.”
• “You’re Still The One,” Shania Twain. That is, I mean you were until you cheated on me, Mr. Robert Mutt Lange, and married another woman.
• “In Your Eyes,” Peter Gabriel. Horribleness given even more mush thanks to some cheesy 1980s movie.
• “Take My Breath Away,” Berlin. Ditto.
• “Up Where We Belong,” Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker. Ditto.
• “Against All Odds,” Phil Collins. Ditto.
• “Everything I Do, I Do It For You,” Bryan Adams. Ditto, with the exception being it was a 1991 movie.*
• “Iris,” Goo Goo Dolls. Ditto, with the exception being it was a 1998 movie.
• “Your Song,” Elton John.  And your fault, Reginald.**
• “All Out of Love,” Air Supply. As well as substance.
• “Glory of Love” and “Next Time I Fall In Love,” Peter Cetera. Gruesome twosome.***
• “Islands in the Stream,”  Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. Another gruesome twosome.
• “I  Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston. I never thought I’d say this, but actually a bit less annoying than the Kevin Costner movie from which it was taken.****
• “You Are So Beautiful,” Joe Cocker. Like hell you is.
• “Open Arms,” Journey. Closed ears.
•  “Unchained Melody,”  The Righteous Brothers.  Unchained malady.
• “Endless Love,” Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. Endless ear pain.
• “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” Poison. Just like every washed-up metalhead has a receding hairline.
• “Truly Madly Deeply,” Savage Garden. Couldn’t you guys have split up before releasing this dreck?
• “I’ll Make Love To You,” Boyz II Men. You tooz.
• “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That),” Meatloaf. OK. If you won’t do that, will you at least shut up? Please.
• “Eternal Flame,” Bangles. Hell indeed.
• “Hero,” Enrigue  Iglesias. Zero.
• “Wind Beneath My Wings,” Bette Midler. More like the stuff from beneath the bird’s tail feathers. Poop on “The Rose,” too.*****
• “On the Wings of Love,”  Jeffrey Osborne.  This bird has flown, thankfully.
• “You’re Beautiful,” James Blunt. And annoying.
• “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You,” Glenn Medeiros. Don’t remember this one? Lucky you.
• “Sometimes When We Touch,” Dan Hill. Ditto.
• “At This Moment,” Billy Vera and the Beaters. Double ditto.
• “Crazy For You,” Madonna. I had to really, really struggle just to type that.
• “Evergreen,” by Barbra Streisand. Even more so.
• “You Light Up My Life,” Debby Boone. (See above).
• “Tonight I Celebrate My Love,” Pebo Bryson and Roberta Flack.   (What he said up there).
• “She’s Like The Wind,” Patrick Swayze. I shan’t talk badly about the deceased, but this song itself is beyond pathetic.
• “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You,” Micheal Bolton. Good question. Let’s hope you don’t find the answer, Mr. Cheese.
• “Lost In Your Eyes,” Debbie Gibson. Then please stay there. Ugh.
• “Could’ve Been,” Tiffany. You, too.
• “Lady in Red,” Chris DeBurgh. A favorite of chicks everywhere. That tells you all you need to know.
• “Amazed,” Lonestar. No, I ain’t.
• “I  Honestly Love You,” Olivia Newton John. No you don’t. Because if you really did Ms. Aussie, you would never have unleashed this painful idiocy on the world.
• “My Heart Will Go On,” Celine Dion. Not if I put a stake through it, it won’t.******
• Richard Marx and Kenny G. Because it was impossible to pick just a few songs.

* Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” and “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman” also suck duck eggs.
** And if I never hear Elton John’s epicly lame lion movie song again it will be too soon.
*** Dishonorable mention: “You’re The Inspiration.”
**** Don’t even think I was going to overlook that craptastic “The Greatest Love Of All.”
***** And poop on “From  a Distance,” too.
****** And “Because You Loved Me.”.

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