by George Heymann

How about some cheese with your Valentine’s Day chocolate?

by Jon Pompia

It’s Valentine’s Day. Yippee.  That means it’s time to break out the chocolate, diamonds, lobster dinners and, of course, sappy love songs.

Since I’m not remotely qualified to review a food produced from the seed of the tropical Theobroma cacao tree; an allotrope of carbon; or overpriced crustaceans, cheesiness and sap is something we are more than happy to evaluate.

So, presented for your perusal and enjoyment are a few of the most nauseatingly sappy love songs ever to disgrace the airwaves:
• “I  Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing,” Aerosmith. Written, obviously, by a woman. And covered by a band that should get back on drugs because they’ve become a musical joke.
• “Have I Told You Lately,” Van Morrison. Mr. Morrison must have been in a financial lull at the time he wrote this overtly commercial drivel. Later made famous by Mr. Sap himself, Rod Stewart.
• “Wonderful Tonight,” Eric Clapton. If I hear this at one more wedding, I’m blowing up the cake.
• “Could I Have This Dance (For the Rest of My Life),” Anne Murray.  And the punch bowl.
• “I Wanna Know What Love Is,” Foreigner. So horridly bad it nearly cancels out the greatness of “Feels Like the First Time” and “Hot Blooded.”
• “I Just Called to Say I Love You,” Stevie Wonder. So horridly banal it nearly cancels out the greatness of “I Wish” and “My Cherie Amour.”
• “You’re Still The One,” Shania Twain. That is, I mean you were until you cheated on me, Mr. Robert Mutt Lange, and married another woman.
• “In Your Eyes,” Peter Gabriel. Horribleness given even more mush thanks to some cheesy 1980s movie.
• “Take My Breath Away,” Berlin. Ditto.
• “Up Where We Belong,” Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker. Ditto.
• “Against All Odds,” Phil Collins. Ditto.
• “Everything I Do, I Do It For You,” Bryan Adams. Ditto, with the exception being it was a 1991 movie.*
• “Iris,” Goo Goo Dolls. Ditto, with the exception being it was a 1998 movie.
• “Your Song,” Elton John.  And your fault, Reginald.**
• “All Out of Love,” Air Supply. As well as substance.
• “Glory of Love” and “Next Time I Fall In Love,” Peter Cetera. Gruesome twosome.***
• “Islands in the Stream,”  Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. Another gruesome twosome.
• “I  Will Always Love You,” Whitney Houston. I never thought I’d say this, but actually a bit less annoying than the Kevin Costner movie from which it was taken.****
• “You Are So Beautiful,” Joe Cocker. Like hell you is.
• “Open Arms,” Journey. Closed ears.
•  “Unchained Melody,”  The Righteous Brothers.  Unchained malady.
• “Endless Love,” Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. Endless ear pain.
• “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” Poison. Just like every washed-up metalhead has a receding hairline.
• “Truly Madly Deeply,” Savage Garden. Couldn’t you guys have split up before releasing this dreck?
• “I’ll Make Love To You,” Boyz II Men. You tooz.
• “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That),” Meatloaf. OK. If you won’t do that, will you at least shut up? Please.
• “Eternal Flame,” Bangles. Hell indeed.
• “Hero,” Enrigue  Iglesias. Zero.
• “Wind Beneath My Wings,” Bette Midler. More like the stuff from beneath the bird’s tail feathers. Poop on “The Rose,” too.*****
• “On the Wings of Love,”  Jeffrey Osborne.  This bird has flown, thankfully.
• “You’re Beautiful,” James Blunt. And annoying.
• “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You,” Glenn Medeiros. Don’t remember this one? Lucky you.
• “Sometimes When We Touch,” Dan Hill. Ditto.
• “At This Moment,” Billy Vera and the Beaters. Double ditto.
• “Crazy For You,” Madonna. I had to really, really struggle just to type that.
• “Evergreen,” by Barbra Streisand. Even more so.
• “You Light Up My Life,” Debby Boone. (See above).
• “Tonight I Celebrate My Love,” Pebo Bryson and Roberta Flack.   (What he said up there).
• “She’s Like The Wind,” Patrick Swayze. I shan’t talk badly about the deceased, but this song itself is beyond pathetic.
• “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You,” Micheal Bolton. Good question. Let’s hope you don’t find the answer, Mr. Cheese.
• “Lost In Your Eyes,” Debbie Gibson. Then please stay there. Ugh.
• “Could’ve Been,” Tiffany. You, too.
• “Lady in Red,” Chris DeBurgh. A favorite of chicks everywhere. That tells you all you need to know.
• “Amazed,” Lonestar. No, I ain’t.
• “I  Honestly Love You,” Olivia Newton John. No you don’t. Because if you really did Ms. Aussie, you would never have unleashed this painful idiocy on the world.
• “My Heart Will Go On,” Celine Dion. Not if I put a stake through it, it won’t.******
• Richard Marx and Kenny G. Because it was impossible to pick just a few songs.

* Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” and “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman” also suck duck eggs.
** And if I never hear Elton John’s epicly lame lion movie song again it will be too soon.
*** Dishonorable mention: “You’re The Inspiration.”
**** Don’t even think I was going to overlook that craptastic “The Greatest Love Of All.”
***** And poop on “From  a Distance,” too.
****** And “Because You Loved Me.”.


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